Passage from Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie:

"Often, I see the body of Christ put so much into pursuing God for healing.  With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for physical healing.  And in these prayers, there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, "If it be your will."  But shouldn't we switch that around?  Shouldn't we cry out to God with boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, "God, would you please accomplish your will?  Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose?  Would you mold me into a vessel that you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?"  And then, perhaps, we could add a tiny P.S. that says, "If that includes healing, we will be grateful.""

Wow...I know I am guilty of this.  I know I prayed healing for Harper when we thought something was wrong with her kidneys.  But I am guilty of this in other areas of my life.  I pray to God all the time now to not let anything else "bad" happen to me.  I cannot bear the thought of losing one of my other children.  Part of me lives in fear now, because I didn't think something bad would ever happen to me, and it did, and now I wonder, what's next?  That is horrible and I know that is not how God wants me to be...he didn't give me a spirit of fear. How many times do we ask God to fulfill our plans and our will.  And then when he doesn't answer the way we want, it leaves us disappointed in Him.

This passage, to me, means that I have to give God "permission" to carry out his purpose in my life, not that he needs my permission, but like she said, to have "a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose."  God is not my puppet, available to answer my every prayer or make my life run safely and smoothly.  That's a hard pill to swallow.  Sometimes his plan and purpose hurts and I don't want to "embrace" it.  I know for me its letting go of control...I think somehow I am in control of my own life, but losing Harper has taught me that I have no control over what happens to me.  I have to give that control to God, and it is a constant struggle.  I feel like if I give the control to God that means I am giving him permission to take my life on paths I don't want to travel. 

But God never promised us that if we followed him our lives would be easy and without suffering.  He never promised us "smooth-sailing" through this journey called life.  He never promised us he would be our own magic genie, available to answer our every wish.  It's not about me...it's all about Him. 

Matthew 16:24:  If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me.