Monday, February 28, 2011

Signing off for a bit...

Well, as of some point today, we are no longer going to have home Internet.  We just got smart phones and to cut some extra costs we have decided to cancel our Internet.  However, this will make it more difficult for me to blog (I'm not sure I can pour my heart out on the world's smallest keyboard using only my thumbs!).  But, obviously, I haven't been keeping up with the blog that much lately anyway.  I'm not sure why...I suppose I'm just at a different place in my grieving and haven't felt like writing as much.

This may sound incredibly insensitive, or strange to some, but as of late, my desire and struggle to have another baby have replaced my pain of losing Harper.  (Please note I did not say "replace Harper" just replacing the "pain of losing Harper").  I guess there was only so much I could do after Harper died.  I scrapbooked, blogged, shared her story with whomever would listen.  I believe with all my heart that I grieved was a lot of work.  And I know that hole in my heart will never go away.  I will love her until the day I go to meet her.  I will never forget her (how could I?).

But lately I am just soooo ready to move forward.  I don't want to live with the constant black cloud hanging over my head.  I want to see the sunshine, and feel joy when it's light shines on my face.  And for me a big part of moving forward is having another baby.  I don't know if or when this baby will be a part of our lives.  And that has been another grieving process I have had to go through lately.  I had this "master plan" after Harper died that I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by her first birthday.  Obviously, that's not going to happen.  Right now I don't even think I will have a baby in 2011.  As the weeks go by, that "plan" gets further and further from reach.  And I am grieving.

Of course by now I should have realized that God's plans are not my plans.  I've said it from the beginning, but it seems to not be sinking in.  As of right now, the plan is to have another baby...I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.  But I have also realized that a new baby is not going to equal true joy in my life.  In this in between time I am working on finding a place where I realize that God is good, and faithful, and loves me, and has good plans for me...whether those plans include another baby or not.  And honestly, that "place" is almost impossible to find...but I will keep searching.

So, I'm not sure how often I will be posting here.  If I'm ever around a PC I will try to update how things are going and what kind of progress I am making on my walk with God, and our attempts to add to our family.  And if I really need to get something off my chest I suppose I will just get a good thumb exercise in!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Six Months

Six months ago today I was oblivious to the fact that my life was about to change forever.  Or, I should say, the way it was going to change forever.  At some point on August 9th, Harper's spirit left this earth and went to Heaven.  And I didn't even know it happened.  I was still waiting for contractions to start, anxious to meet my little girl.

The past six months have been full of ups and downs...I feel I've made big strides on this journey called grief.  But I'm not where I hoped to be right now...Plan A:  Enjoying life with a six month old baby girl in our family.  Plan B:  Get pregnant as soon as possible and be entering my second trimester.  Plan C:  ? 

I guess its time to just let God do the planning, because my plans aren't working out. 

The pain of losing Harper does not consume me like it did in the beginning.  I still think about her constantly, but those thoughts aren't in the forefront of my mind.  I am able to function and carry on a "normal" life while still carrying her memory with me always.  I'm still sad when I think of her, or when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby.  I'm sad that life isn't turning out the way I thought it would.  But I am learning to be okay with it.  And that's a big step for me.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

First things first...

I haven't written in awhile.  I think about writing all the time, but I guess the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," keeps coming to mind.  I always wanted this blog to be honoring to God and show what he has been doing in my life through losing Harper.  Lately, I just feel so stuck.  This last miscarriage has really shaken me up...mostly spiritually.

I want to trust God, I want to trust his plan for my life and trust his timing, but I'm finding that so incredibly hard right now.  I really put a lot of hope into a new times that was the only thing that got me through really tough days was the thought of having a new baby.  I thought I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by Harper's first birthday/anniversary.  Obviously, that's not going to be the case...and I get so much anxiety when I don't even know when or if we will even have another baby.  It's so hard for me to let go of that control, even though I know I don't have any control to begin with.

I just finished reading a book by Pete Wilson called "Plan B."  It really called out some major sin on my part.  Lately my desire for a baby has become so consuming that I know it is taking God's place in my life.  A baby has become an "idol" I have put before my relationship with Christ.  But this is where I feel so stuck.  I don't know how to make that desire go away and I don't know how to put my trust and hope back where it belongs.

I get so irritated when people tell me to "count my blessings" or to just be thankful for the two kids I have. And rightfully so, I am very blessed to have my kids, but they in no way take away the pain of losing Harper or the miscarriages.  But I do know there is some truth to that...I have to get to a place in my life where I am content and if I never have another baby I need to be okay with that.  That is so hard for me to say right now, because I still hang on to this hope that there will be another baby, but I also have to face the reality that it may not happen.  And I'm going to have to be okay with that.  I can't let this ruin my life.  And I cannot let it ruin my faith.

Another thing that I read in "Plan B" that really struck me is that during these tough times when we don't think God is around or that He doesn't's not Him that's me.  He is always here, always's me that's not drawing close to him.  I think as Christians (or maybe not all Christians, I'll just speak for myself) we have the preconceived notion that God's got our back and that nothing bad is going to happen to us...which is so not true.  Then when something does go wrong we think  God has totally forgotten about us.  But I know in my heart this is not true.  I've worked through this so many times already, but every time I get knocked down I have to start all over again.  Who is God?  What do I believe?  What do I know to be true?  I even went back and reread some of my earlier posts click here to read and I still believe that.  I'm just not sure why I have to start all over again every time things don't go my way.

So, I suppose the reality I'm faced with here is that I have a choice to make...keep going down the path I'm on, trying to make sense of life on my own...or surrender it all to Him, trusting that He knows what He's doing.

Deut. 4:28-31:  There, in a foreign land, you will worship idols made from wood and stone—gods that neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell.  But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him. “In the distant future, when you are suffering all these things, you will finally return to the Lord your God and listen to what he tells you. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon you or destroy you or forget the solemn covenant he made with your ancestors.

Matt. 6:33-34:  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Baby girl, it's such a crazy world without you.  I'm trying to do what God wants me to do...and sometimes I fail miserably.  I wish everyday that you were still here and I didn't have to live with this pain.  I hope that someday I will look back on this time in my life and see how God was using you to shape me into the woman he wants me to become.  I miss you and love you so much.