Monday, February 28, 2011

Signing off for a bit...

Well, as of some point today, we are no longer going to have home Internet.  We just got smart phones and to cut some extra costs we have decided to cancel our Internet.  However, this will make it more difficult for me to blog (I'm not sure I can pour my heart out on the world's smallest keyboard using only my thumbs!).  But, obviously, I haven't been keeping up with the blog that much lately anyway.  I'm not sure why...I suppose I'm just at a different place in my grieving and haven't felt like writing as much.

This may sound incredibly insensitive, or strange to some, but as of late, my desire and struggle to have another baby have replaced my pain of losing Harper.  (Please note I did not say "replace Harper" just replacing the "pain of losing Harper").  I guess there was only so much I could do after Harper died.  I scrapbooked, blogged, shared her story with whomever would listen.  I believe with all my heart that I grieved was a lot of work.  And I know that hole in my heart will never go away.  I will love her until the day I go to meet her.  I will never forget her (how could I?).

But lately I am just soooo ready to move forward.  I don't want to live with the constant black cloud hanging over my head.  I want to see the sunshine, and feel joy when it's light shines on my face.  And for me a big part of moving forward is having another baby.  I don't know if or when this baby will be a part of our lives.  And that has been another grieving process I have had to go through lately.  I had this "master plan" after Harper died that I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by her first birthday.  Obviously, that's not going to happen.  Right now I don't even think I will have a baby in 2011.  As the weeks go by, that "plan" gets further and further from reach.  And I am grieving.

Of course by now I should have realized that God's plans are not my plans.  I've said it from the beginning, but it seems to not be sinking in.  As of right now, the plan is to have another baby...I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet.  But I have also realized that a new baby is not going to equal true joy in my life.  In this in between time I am working on finding a place where I realize that God is good, and faithful, and loves me, and has good plans for me...whether those plans include another baby or not.  And honestly, that "place" is almost impossible to find...but I will keep searching.

So, I'm not sure how often I will be posting here.  If I'm ever around a PC I will try to update how things are going and what kind of progress I am making on my walk with God, and our attempts to add to our family.  And if I really need to get something off my chest I suppose I will just get a good thumb exercise in!


  1. I feel the same way about a rainbow baby. Exactly the same way.

  2. I also feel the same about a rainbow baby. Well...we will certainely miss your posts. Best of luck in everything and hope to hear from you soon!

  3. Love ya Jen, think of you often. My PC is open to you anytime.