First things first...

I haven't written in awhile.  I think about writing all the time, but I guess the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," keeps coming to mind.  I always wanted this blog to be honoring to God and show what he has been doing in my life through losing Harper.  Lately, I just feel so stuck.  This last miscarriage has really shaken me up...mostly spiritually.

I want to trust God, I want to trust his plan for my life and trust his timing, but I'm finding that so incredibly hard right now.  I really put a lot of hope into a new pregnancy...at times that was the only thing that got me through really tough days was the thought of having a new baby.  I thought I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by Harper's first birthday/anniversary.  Obviously, that's not going to be the case...and I get so much anxiety when I don't even know when or if we will even have another baby.  It's so hard for me to let go of that control, even though I know I don't have any control to begin with.

I just finished reading a book by Pete Wilson called "Plan B."  It really called out some major sin on my part.  Lately my desire for a baby has become so consuming that I know it is taking God's place in my life.  A baby has become an "idol" I have put before my relationship with Christ.  But this is where I feel so stuck.  I don't know how to make that desire go away and I don't know how to put my trust and hope back where it belongs.

I get so irritated when people tell me to "count my blessings" or to just be thankful for the two kids I have. And rightfully so, I am very blessed to have my kids, but they in no way take away the pain of losing Harper or the miscarriages.  But I do know there is some truth to that...I have to get to a place in my life where I am content and if I never have another baby I need to be okay with that.  That is so hard for me to say right now, because I still hang on to this hope that there will be another baby, but I also have to face the reality that it may not happen.  And I'm going to have to be okay with that.  I can't let this ruin my life.  And I cannot let it ruin my faith.

Another thing that I read in "Plan B" that really struck me is that during these tough times when we don't think God is around or that He doesn't care...it's not Him that bailed...it's me.  He is always here, always present...it's me that's not drawing close to him.  I think as Christians (or maybe not all Christians, I'll just speak for myself) we have the preconceived notion that God's got our back and that nothing bad is going to happen to us...which is so not true.  Then when something does go wrong we think  God has totally forgotten about us.  But I know in my heart this is not true.  I've worked through this so many times already, but every time I get knocked down I have to start all over again.  Who is God?  What do I believe?  What do I know to be true?  I even went back and reread some of my earlier posts click here to read and I still believe that.  I'm just not sure why I have to start all over again every time things don't go my way.

So, I suppose the reality I'm faced with here is that I have a choice to make...keep going down the path I'm on, trying to make sense of life on my own...or surrender it all to Him, trusting that He knows what He's doing.

Deut. 4:28-31:  There, in a foreign land, you will worship idols made from wood and stone—gods that neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell.  But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him. “In the distant future, when you are suffering all these things, you will finally return to the Lord your God and listen to what he tells you. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon you or destroy you or forget the solemn covenant he made with your ancestors.

Matt. 6:33-34:  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Baby girl, it's such a crazy world without you.  I'm trying to do what God wants me to do...and sometimes I fail miserably.  I wish everyday that you were still here and I didn't have to live with this pain.  I hope that someday I will look back on this time in my life and see how God was using you to shape me into the woman he wants me to become.  I miss you and love you so much.