I'm dreading writing this post, partly because of the emotional state I'm in right now, and partly because of the bad news I have to share. I've been told numerous times that people appreciate my honesty and transparency in my blogging...and so I will write this from my heart regardless of the condition of my heart at this moment.
Late Monday afternoon I noticed some light spotting when I went to the bathroom. I tried to stay calm reminding myself that I spotted the whole first trimester with Emmerson and everything turned out fine. I tried to get through to the clinic with no luck. Finally about quarter to five I was finally able to reach a nurse but because of the weather all of the doctors were home already. She told me to call back in the morning or go to the ER if my symptoms got worse. And my symptoms did become much worse. I called into the ER and was advised to stay home due to the weather because this was not a "medical emergency." At this point in the pregnancy there is nothing that can be done to save the baby. Tuesday morning I was able to get an appointment set for 10:30 in the morning for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed nothing but an empty uterus. My doctor tried to be optimistic with us and said that we could be wrong about the dates and ordered some lab work to see where my pregnancy hormone levels were. I didn't hang on to that bit of optimism because in my heart I already knew we had lost the baby. Just a few minutes ago I got a phone call from the clinic to let me know that my levels were at a 9. At 6 and a half weeks they should be in the hundred thousands so it's safe to say that the pregnancy is done. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow to make sure the levels go down to zero to make sure there is no retaining tissue.
So just like that its over. I can't even begin to sort through the emotions I am experiencing right now. Mostly I am just angry. I guess I thought somehow God was going to protect us and give us a healthy baby this time. I feel like I've been through so much loss already...when is it going to be enough. When do I get my happy ending? I cannot understand why God would create me in such a way that the only thing I have ever been sure of is that I wanted to be a mother. I know that he has blessed me with two healthy beautiful children and that I am a mother...but this road has been so hard.
Losing my first two pregnancies shook me up pretty bad. I was never privileged enough to be blissfully unaware that something could go wrong in a pregnancy. Then I had two healthy babies back to back and thought that pain was a thing of the past. But now here I am again....its not even been six months since we buried Harper and I'm dealing with another loss. I cannot even begin to understand what God has planned for my life. Right now I have to make a conscious choice to believe that he has good things planned for my life but my heart doesn't believe it. I feel abandoned. Where is he in all of this?
When I announced this pregnancy not even two weeks ago so many comments filled my facebook page about how awesome and good God is. But now? How do you continue to give God the glory when life continues to take you down rocky paths? I'm just so hurt and confused right now. I don't want to turn my back on God but I know my faith has been battered and bruised and its going to take a long time to heal.
It feels as though when Harper died our whole world began to crumble in front of us. We have been struggling financially. At church they always make such a strong stand that if you are faithful to return your tithe that God will bless you, but we have not received any of those blessings. The income keeps getting smaller and the bills keep getting bigger. And now this miscarriage on top of still grieving Harper. Its more than I can bear. All of my hopes and dreams are being shattered in front of my very eyes.
I'm so afraid that there is something wrong with me and I will continue to suffer these losses. My doctor says because I have two healthy children there is no reason to think I can't have another, but how much pain can one person go through before they become a hollow shell of the person they once were? Three miscarriages and one stillbirth...five babies total...how much more can I really go through? I'm going to be 30 in a few months and feel that time is working against me a this point. I've always wanted four kids and that dream is getting farther and farther from my reach.
I don't have any positive note to end this post on. I'm hoping that I will be healed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope I can learn how to trust God once again and find comfort in Him once again. Any other relationship with someone that would continually cause me hurt and pain I would walk away from, but I know I can't walk away from God. I know that my eternal reward will erase all of this pain I feel right now. I know if I never get to have a big family here on Earth, I've got five precious babies waiting for me in Heaven...and I'm hanging on to that little glimpse of eternity until my faith can once again be restored.
My heart aches for you, Jen. I cannot even fathom the pain you are feeling. I don't understand why this keeps happening to you, but I know God loves us and will not give you more than you can handle, so He must know that you are a strong woman of faith and have great plans for you. I know you can't see that right now, but that's ok. Take your time to grieve and mourn, and let all your family and friends hold you up in prayer while you aren't able to find the words to say. And hold on to that glimpse of eternity with all your might--that's the goal we are all striving for in the end, right? Hugs to you and my prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Jen! You have been through so much, in a short time. I had the option to terminate Peirson and went against it because I thought in my head just like Melissa Griffin, God wouldn't give you more than you can handel. I wish I could just take your pain away, sweetie! I'm espeically sincerely sorry that I was late on on the congrats! I should of looked at sharing angels page before I wrote that! I hope you can forgive me. I admire you and all that you have been through. You are so strong, and so faithful. I will pray for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteJess
I have no idea what you must be feeling right now. I know that I did question God on why He gave me such a strong desire to be a mother only for it to be taken away. However, He promised to take all the bad in my life and use it for MY good. I'm holding on to that promise. I know that God has called me to help other women cope with their losses. When He will put me in that position I don't know. How exactly will He use this...I don't know. But I do know that He WILL use it. All I can ask is that He use my pain to help others in all possibly situations..otherwise I can't imagine losing my girls for no reason. I'm not sure what God has planned for you obviously but I pray that He shows you the spiritual prompting that you need in order to fulfill the purpose He has for you. I know it's easier said than done...but please don't give up hope and don't give up on Him. Spend some time with Him and continue to be faithful to Him. I know it doesn't seem like you're being blessed right now and your blessings may not be coming in the form that you expected but they're coming. Continue giving with a willing and loving heart and pray about what to give. I am praying the blessings come to you in a way that you will be able to recognize them. I hope I haven't annoyed you with this comment but I can understand that I may have and I apologize if I did. Sometimes the only thing you need to hear is that someone cares for you and is praying for you and if that's the case then please just know that I'm praying for you. :-)
ReplyDeleteJamie Maddox