My Faith

I've had another day to process my feelings and sort through my emotions.  I know my post from yesterday may have seemed like I was blasting God, but that was not my intention.  I was angry with God, and while I find that incredibly scary, it was the way I was feeling.  Today some of that anger has subsided and I've had a better chance to examine my heart.  I'm doing better than I thought I would be.  I don't know if its just that I've become hardened to this type of loss...like this has already happened three times so...whatever.  It stinks, but that's nothing new.

I got the final results from the blood work today and the pregnancy hormone is almost completely out of my system so that is good.  Unlike my other miscarriages, this was the first time I was able to pass the baby naturally and it was so much better than having a D&C.  The less invasive the better.  Physically I feel really good. 

I do not regret my decision to announce the pregnancy so early.  Although it was hard to tell every one that I lost the baby, I know it would have been even harder to go through this with no support.  I wanted this baby's life to be recognized and celebrated.  Even though we only knew about this baby for 12 days I know he or she was loved and prayed for every one of those twelve days.  That's a good feeling.

I would have to say that the hardest part about this miscarriage has been the blow it has been spiritually.  More shocking than the fact of losing the baby was the fact that God allowed this to happen.  I really thought He was going to wrap us in this protective bubble and give us a healthy baby.  I thought that was what I "deserved" after what I have already been through.  But God has never promised to give me what I deserve.  Because what I really deserve is a life separated from Him because of my sin. 

I know in my last post I eluded that God was the one causing this pain, but I know that is not the truth.  I know we live in sinful world and that bad stuff happens to people all the time, regardless of how much they love God or how strong their faith is.  But what I just can't wrap my head around is why He continues to ALLOW this to happen to me.  He is the only one who has the power to change the outcome, but he chooses not to.  And that is why I feel abandoned by him.  Right now, in my mind, there doesn't seem to be much difference between CAUSE and ALLOW. 

For those of you who may be concerned about my faith right now, please know that I am NOT giving up.  I'm praying more than usual...even though those prayers may be angry prayers, I'm still praying.  And nothing fazes God.  He knows.  And I believe right now he's meeting me right where I'm at.  I'm making a conscious choice to hold on to my faith and what I know in my heart to be true...even if I can't feel it right now.  I know my faith will be restored.  I know in the end God's the one that's going to get all the glory.  Right now I'm just hanging on by a thread, and believing that this will pass.