It's a New Day

I suppose it's only fitting that my first post of the New Year should be entitled "It's a New Day."  Just this morning I found out that we are expecting again!  I know...I'm not even 5 weeks along yet but I am so excited I just could not wait to share the news.  My estimated due date is September 10, 2011...exactly 13 months after Harper's birthday.  (Another interesting tidbit about this due date...it's 9.10.11, but what's even more interesting is that Harper's due date was 8.9.10...totally irrelevant, but interesting nonetheless.)

Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of my first miscarriage.  My journey to motherhood has been painful and joyous.  I am full of hope in this new life growing inside of me.  I know this will not be an easy road ahead, but it will definitely be an opportunity for further growth in my relationship with Christ.  Really, this will be a true test of my faith.  Do I really trust God with this new little life I have been blessed with? 

I know some may be shocked to hear this news, it hasn't even been five months yet, and I understand that.  I read somewhere once that you knew you were ready to try for another baby when your desire for a baby outweighed your fears.  For me that day was August 11.  There was a moment in the hospital that I looked at Harper and vowed I would never let myself feel that pain again...however that was very short lived.  The next day I felt an overwhelming desire to try again as soon as possible.  The doctor gave us the go ahead at three months.  It didn't happen that month and that was devastating to me.  To wait three months to even try felt like an eternity but then when it didn't happen that first month was very difficult.  I am so thankful that it happened this month though.  I do feel very blessed that getting pregnant has never been an issue for me (this is my fifth pregnancy in less than five years).  However, bringing those babies home has proven to be a bigger challenge.

I want you all to know that this baby is in no way going to be a replacement of Harper.  No child could ever take the place of another.  Just as Emmerson and Alton do not replace Harper, a new baby would or could never replace her.  My family will always be incomplete.  Even if I have a dozen more kids not a single one could replace her.  She will always be missing from my family.  But I am excited at the prospect of new life, new hope.  Some online forums refer to a pregnancy after loss as a "rainbow baby."  I never understood why until I saw the definition...A rainbow appears before the storm has cleared as a sign that the sun will appear again.  This baby isn't going to make things "all better."  I still grieve my little girl...but I do see a rainbow in the clearing.

Besides my excitement, I wanted to share this news already for a couple other reasons.  First, so that you will join me in prayer.  And secondly, because I believe every life deserves to be recognized and celebrated.  After my first miscarriage I said I would never tell people I was pregnant again until after the first trimester.  It was like I felt embarrassed that I had to tell people I lost that baby.  So with the next pregnancy I told very few people, mostly just immediate family.  And when I lost the twins it was a very lonely place to be.  Because so few people knew I didn't feel that I had a lot of support.  Losing a baby is not something to be ashamed of...it is not something to be kept quiet.  That is such an old-school way of thinking and so after that I shared the news of my next pregnancies right away.  And as I've learned now, there is no "safe" time to share the news.  If you make it past the first trimester or hear the baby's heartbeat...it doesn't guarantee a thing.  I heard Harper's heartbeat on her due date and she died later that day.

I guess my point is this...Every life is worthy of recognition and deserves to be celebrated.  So whether this baby lives 9 weeks, 9 months or 90 years it is still a baby...a human life...a wonderful creation of our Heavenly Father.