Some thoughts on pregnancy after loss...

Here we are, a week into knowing about this pregnancy.  So far it has been great.  I haven't "freaked" out yet or wondered if we made a huge mistake.  I'm just so excited.  I have been so blessed with such wonderful support...people genuinely are happy for us and praying for a healthy baby.  That means so much to me. 

I know that for the most part people have been incredibly supportive, but there are still people out there that think we are crazy.  Maybe they think its too soon, or maybe that we are setting ourselves up to be hurt again, or maybe we should have taken losing Harper as a sign that we weren't meant to have any more kids...or maybe that it isn't fair to Harper to be moving forward so quickly.

All I have to say to that is I love Harper with my whole heart.  I still grieve her.  Like I said in my last post, a new baby is not going to make things "all better" or take her place.  But I don't know why that would mean that we don't deserve another chance at building our family.  Are we just supposed to take the hand we have been given and not try again for better days?  I personally don't think that is how God wants us to live.  He has good plans for us and wants us to experience life in abundance...There is no reason to think that we can't or won't have another healthy baby. 

I know that Harper is whole and perfect in Heaven.  She is receiving all the love she could ever need in the presence of our Savior.  I do not feel guilty for wanting another child.  And I know she does not have the capabilities to feel unloved, or replaced.  I believe she is so happy for us right now.  She does not want us to live our lives in pain, or fear.  And I refuse to live my life in fear.  I don't know what the outcome of this pregnancy will be.  I am praying for the best and taking it one day at a time.  But I do believe that God has good things in store for us. 

I think that women who go through the types of loss I have been through are some of the strongest, bravest women I know.  They know pain and adversity and are still willing to put their whole hearts on the line to get what they really want...a healthy baby.  There are two types of women in my support group...those who have gone on to have a healthy baby or babies and those who are desperately trying to reach that goal.  No one has said, "Well my baby died so I'm just going to give up."  No one.  We all would give anything to have our babies back and to not have gone through the pain we have been through...but it doesn't stop us from trying to reach that goal.  Last November Joel and I decided we were ready for another baby and we thought we were going to have that baby, but things didn't work out that way.  But that longing and desire for a baby do not just go away.  We still want a baby. 

I am still so sad when I think about the little girl that would be five months old now.  I think about how differently my life could be right now.  But I also know that I cannot hang on to the past...what could have been.  I will love Harper every day for the rest of my life.  I will never forget her.  But right now I am looking towards the future and its a wonderful place to be.