answers=closure

We met with my doctor today for my 6 week postpartum checkup.  This was the first time we had seen him since the day Harper was born so I had a lot of anxiety and questions I needed answered.  I have never really blamed my doctor, but I have definetly had questions.  Well, I guess at first I blamed him because I thought Harper had died due to low amniotic fluid.  He had told me I could be induced a week early but then at 39 weeks he decided that since things were going well it would be better for me to go into labor on my own.  As I laid in the hospital waiting for Harper to be born I was angry and I thought if only he would have induced me early this wouldn't be happening.  But then she was born with the cord around her neck 5 times and a tight knot in it.  He said is was pretty obvious what had happened and there was sufficient amniotic fluid.  We decided not to do an autopsy.  August 10th was such a blur and I was too numb to ask any questions, or even know what questions to ask. But today I was prepared.  I asked God to go with us today and I know he was there.
I didn't really know what caused Harper to die, I know there was a knot and the cord was around her neck, but I didn't even really understand why this would make her die.  He said that her cord was much longer than normal and probably early on when she had more room she just was so active she got the cord all tangled up and got her self tangled in it.  Then as she grew and grew she ran out of room to get untangled.  The knot is ultimatly what killed her because when she dropped the knot got to tight and cut off her blood and oxygen supply.  He said it was a pretty sudden thing and that 20% of babies are born with the cord around their necks, even 5 times, and still live.  It was the knot that was the problem.  He said everything was perfect and the way it should have been, except for the length of the cord.  It is not considered a birth defect, it was just part of her genetic makeup, like some people are tall and some people are short.
He also assured us that there was no way of knowing this was going to happen.  The umbilical cord barely shows up in ultrasound (and I had a grand total of 10 u/s and nobody ever saw it, even the specialists in Rockford).  A non-stress test would only detect if something was wrong with the placenta, not the cord.  Her lack of movement could have been an indication of something being wrong, but not specifically that there was a knot in the cord.  And if it was a strong enough indication that something was wrong, and they would have induced me, the outcome would have still been the same.  She would have still dropped and the knot would have still tightened up, and she would have probably still died, because by the time the monitor would have indicated a drop in her heart rate and they would have rushed me off to the OR for a C-section, it would have probably been too late.
He also said they had no reason to believe that there was any correlation between her kidney and the knot.  I still believe the precautions we took with her kidney was just God's way of almost preparing us for this outcome.  We spent months praying for Harper and trusting God to take care of her.  No matter what He was in control.
I left the clinic today with a lot of peace.  I know there was nothing that could have been done to prevent this from happening.  It wasn't my fault or her fault or the doctors fault.  This sort of thing unfortunatly just happens, and it can happen to anyone.  The chances of this happening to me are the same as the chances of this happening to anyone...its the risk any woman takes when she decides to get pregnant. 
Harper was perfect.  It makes me sad that it was something as little as knot in her cord that took her life...I think I would almost feel better if it was some serious birth defect or something, but she was perfect and had all the potential to be a healthy, normal little girl.  I guess my biggest question still remains unanswered though, and this is why God chose not to save her, but I will never know that answer.  At least not here and now, but when I am reunited with my baby girl it will all make sense, but it won't even matter then because we will be together for eternity praising our Savior together.
Thank you to everyone who was thinking of us and praying for us today.  I am so at peace and appreciate all the prayers!