My New Normal

I've been told that after you lose someone you love, life never goes back to normal.  You have a new normal.  This is my new normal:

• It is normal to feel a constant feeling of guilt, guilt if I am too sad to play with my kids, and guilt if I am having fun enjoying my kids when I "should" be grieving
• It is normal to feel cheated everytime I walk past my empty nursery
• It is normal to not be elated for people who are bringing home new babies
• It is normal to give the kids Kool-Aid for supper because I am too afraid to run to the store for milk in case I run into someone I know
• It is normal to think about my baby from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep and dream about her all night long
• It is normal to read everybook I can about stillbirth and spend hours online reading others' stories of loss
• It is normal that the word "stillborn" has become part of my everyday vocabulary
• It is normal if the floors need to be swept, the dishes need to be done, and the laundry is piled up and not even care
• It is normal to check on the kids periodically through the night and put my hand on their chests just to make sure they are breathing
• It is normal to start crying in public with no warning
• It is normal to no longer answer, "Good, how are you?" when someone asks me how I'm doing
• It is normal to visit the cemetary frequently to water her flower, because that is all I have of her to take care of
• It is normal to have a least one thing written on the calendar for everyday so I don't have to sit at home and think for too long
• It is normal to have questions for God, but run into his open arms when there are no answers for those questions
• It is normal to find joy in picturing my little girl as perfect and whole, singing and dancing for Jesus, but feel pain at the same time because she's not here with me