ramblings of a mommy missing her baby

I think that God only allows us to feel so much pain and then he gives us a break from it.  When the pain comes it comes hard and hurts deeply.  It seems impossible to focus on anything but the pain.  Little things that aren't a big deal seem huge because the pain is so overwhelming to deal with it.  Emmerson had her first time out in preschool today and when her teacher told me it almost crushed me.  Why?  She gets time outs all the time at home.  I guess grieving just magnifies everything else happening in life.  I went to MOPs today, and although it is good for me to get out and be around other people I couldn't hear a word the speaker was saying because there were so many cooing babies.  That's all I could hear and all I could see.  They were everywhere.  I don't think I can be strong anymore or put on this face like its all okay.  I think that I have done that too much in the past six weeks and today it hurts so bad.  I don't think I have been leaning on my Savior, I have trying to be strong on my own.  I know God is here just waiting to embrace me and it is a constant struggle to accept that comfort, or to even know how. 

My sweet little Emmerson, even though she is already getting time out on her 4th day of preschool, is so sensistive and loving.  She knows I'm more down today than normal and you can see the concern on her face.  She didn't want me to wear my sunglasses because she wanted to be able to see my eyes, I guess to make sure I'm not crying.  I have to hold so much in because I don't want her to feel upset when I'm upset, but sometimes I just need to cry and let it all out.  Its so hard to know how to grieve and still be a good mommy. 

I miss Harper so much, every minute of every day.  Seeing all the babies today just made my heart ache more, wondering what it would be like to hold my cooing baby, look into her eyes, or rock her to sleep.  I will never know. 

I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis and I think it sums up the journey through grieving perfectly:

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscapre.  As I've already noted, not every bend does.  Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of contry you thought you had left behind miles ago.  That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench.  But it isn't.  There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat.

I guess that's how I feel today.  Like I've already been here and I thought it was getting "better" but here it comes again. 

On a somewhat brighter note, I was not sure what to do with the kids Big Brother and Big Sister shirts they were supposed to wear to the hospital so I stuffed them and sewed them up so the kids now have pillows.  They love the pillows.  They know that these shirts are because Harper is their baby sister and they snuggle with them all the time!  It is so cute because they are not much into stuffed animals or pillows but its like they just know how special these pillows are.  They love Harper even though I know they don't understand what happened to her.  Its funny how accepting kids are.  When we told them I was pregnant and had a baby in my tummy, they were just like, "OK"  They just accepted it and didn't ask any questions.  We talked about Harper before she was born and they just accepted that too.  Harper had a room and clothes and toys and they knew it was all Harper's stuff, even though they didn't know who Harper was.  It amazes me what they understand at such a young age.  Then they got to see Harper and hold her, I'm sure they thought she was alive because we didn't tell them any different, but when we came home empty handed we told them Harper was in Heaven with Jesus.  Emmerson had a few questions about that and she still asks sometimes, but they still accepted it.  My heart aches to have all my kids together, to see them grow up together and share the bond of being siblings.  I wish this picture was of all three of them and not with stuffed pillows, but thats what I have to do to keep her memory alive.