I'm moving forward

I'm feeling good today.  I'm actually excited about Christmas.  The kids are really getting into it this year.  I can't wait to see their excited faces Christmas morning as they tear open their gifts.  I'm glad I've gotten to this place, because a month ago I don't think I would have been able to feel this excitement.  I know its going to hurt to not have Harper here.  I still think about her constantly.  I've done so much to include her in our celebration this year and I hope these become lasting traditions so she will always be a part of our Christmas.  We took a small tree out to the cemetery and decorated it with pink balls and a big pink bow.  She has ornaments on our tree.  We have an angel that lights up so we can have the light on all day Christmas day to remember her.  I know that having these reminders of her will help me get through the day with more joy and peace.

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have gone through this loss fifty years ago when women weren't allowed to see or hold their babies.  They were told to forget about it and have another baby.  We've come a long way since then.  Feeling like Harper's memory is alive and having ways to include her and remember her is so important for me to move forward in my life.  I would give anything to have her here this Christmas (and everyday) but I know that isn't possible.  I know it will hurt to celebrate the day without her, and thinking about "what could have been."  But really, its not any different than any other day.  I wish she was here everyday.  I hurt every day for her.  And I remember her everyday and include her in my life as much as possible.  I will carry Harper with me everyday for the rest of my life.

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing

for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I’m walking with the King.

~ by Wanda White
© Copyright 1999