It seems that every time I get on facebook someone is counting down the days until their baby is due. It always strikes a nerve with me...why are these people counting down the days until their baby dies? As if everyone who is pregnant is going to lose their child...
I guess the bigger issue is the fact that I did this myself. I impatiently counted down the weeks until Harper was due. I willed so much of my pregnancy with her away. The first 16 weeks I was so exhausted and nauseous. I couldn't wait for that to be over. Then around 5 months my hips and back started aching so bad. I couldn't sleep and then summer hit and I swelled up so bad. I was miserable for most of the nine months I was pregnant.
Each day that last week felt like an eternity. I cried because I was so tired of being pregnant; I just wanted it to be over. But now I realize what a gift that pregnancy was. Those were the only moments of Harper's life that she was alive and well...and I wished them away. I should have spent each moment enjoying each kick or hiccup, because that meant she was moving and growing. When I see my friends post their countdowns, it really just triggers guilt in myself, because those nine months were all I had with her. I wish I would have savored it...because now I certainly miss it.
*You'll have to pause the media player at the bottom if you want to hear this video*
Jen, I know I have not experienced the same things as you have, but I do understand the dreaded "mommy guilt." I think that no matter what we do, what we say, or how we react to the situations in our lives, we almost always feel guilty for the what if's and I should have done's. I pray for your comfort and strength today, through the Christmas season and always. Much love.
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