Well, as of some point today, we are no longer going to have home Internet. We just got smart phones and to cut some extra costs we have decided to cancel our Internet. However, this will make it more difficult for me to blog (I'm not sure I can pour my heart out on the world's smallest keyboard using only my thumbs!). But, obviously, I haven't been keeping up with the blog that much lately anyway. I'm not sure why...I suppose I'm just at a different place in my grieving and haven't felt like writing as much.
This may sound incredibly insensitive, or strange to some, but as of late, my desire and struggle to have another baby have replaced my pain of losing Harper. (Please note I did not say "replace Harper" just replacing the "pain of losing Harper"). I guess there was only so much I could do after Harper died. I scrapbooked, blogged, shared her story with whomever would listen. I believe with all my heart that I grieved well...it was a lot of work. And I know that hole in my heart will never go away. I will love her until the day I go to meet her. I will never forget her (how could I?).
But lately I am just soooo ready to move forward. I don't want to live with the constant black cloud hanging over my head. I want to see the sunshine, and feel joy when it's light shines on my face. And for me a big part of moving forward is having another baby. I don't know if or when this baby will be a part of our lives. And that has been another grieving process I have had to go through lately. I had this "master plan" after Harper died that I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by her first birthday. Obviously, that's not going to happen. Right now I don't even think I will have a baby in 2011. As the weeks go by, that "plan" gets further and further from reach. And I am grieving.
Of course by now I should have realized that God's plans are not my plans. I've said it from the beginning, but it seems to not be sinking in. As of right now, the plan is to have another baby...I'm not ready to give up on that dream yet. But I have also realized that a new baby is not going to equal true joy in my life. In this in between time I am working on finding a place where I realize that God is good, and faithful, and loves me, and has good plans for me...whether those plans include another baby or not. And honestly, that "place" is almost impossible to find...but I will keep searching.
So, I'm not sure how often I will be posting here. If I'm ever around a PC I will try to update how things are going and what kind of progress I am making on my walk with God, and our attempts to add to our family. And if I really need to get something off my chest I suppose I will just get a good thumb exercise in!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Six Months
Six months ago today I was oblivious to the fact that my life was about to change forever. Or, I should say, the way it was going to change forever. At some point on August 9th, Harper's spirit left this earth and went to Heaven. And I didn't even know it happened. I was still waiting for contractions to start, anxious to meet my little girl.
The past six months have been full of ups and downs...I feel I've made big strides on this journey called grief. But I'm not where I hoped to be right now...Plan A: Enjoying life with a six month old baby girl in our family. Plan B: Get pregnant as soon as possible and be entering my second trimester. Plan C: ?
I guess its time to just let God do the planning, because my plans aren't working out.
The pain of losing Harper does not consume me like it did in the beginning. I still think about her constantly, but those thoughts aren't in the forefront of my mind. I am able to function and carry on a "normal" life while still carrying her memory with me always. I'm still sad when I think of her, or when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. I'm sad that life isn't turning out the way I thought it would. But I am learning to be okay with it. And that's a big step for me.
The past six months have been full of ups and downs...I feel I've made big strides on this journey called grief. But I'm not where I hoped to be right now...Plan A: Enjoying life with a six month old baby girl in our family. Plan B: Get pregnant as soon as possible and be entering my second trimester. Plan C: ?
I guess its time to just let God do the planning, because my plans aren't working out.
The pain of losing Harper does not consume me like it did in the beginning. I still think about her constantly, but those thoughts aren't in the forefront of my mind. I am able to function and carry on a "normal" life while still carrying her memory with me always. I'm still sad when I think of her, or when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. I'm sad that life isn't turning out the way I thought it would. But I am learning to be okay with it. And that's a big step for me.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
First things first...
I haven't written in awhile. I think about writing all the time, but I guess the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," keeps coming to mind. I always wanted this blog to be honoring to God and show what he has been doing in my life through losing Harper. Lately, I just feel so stuck. This last miscarriage has really shaken me up...mostly spiritually.
I want to trust God, I want to trust his plan for my life and trust his timing, but I'm finding that so incredibly hard right now. I really put a lot of hope into a new pregnancy...at times that was the only thing that got me through really tough days was the thought of having a new baby. I thought I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by Harper's first birthday/anniversary. Obviously, that's not going to be the case...and I get so much anxiety when I don't even know when or if we will even have another baby. It's so hard for me to let go of that control, even though I know I don't have any control to begin with.
I just finished reading a book by Pete Wilson called "Plan B." It really called out some major sin on my part. Lately my desire for a baby has become so consuming that I know it is taking God's place in my life. A baby has become an "idol" I have put before my relationship with Christ. But this is where I feel so stuck. I don't know how to make that desire go away and I don't know how to put my trust and hope back where it belongs.
I get so irritated when people tell me to "count my blessings" or to just be thankful for the two kids I have. And rightfully so, I am very blessed to have my kids, but they in no way take away the pain of losing Harper or the miscarriages. But I do know there is some truth to that...I have to get to a place in my life where I am content and if I never have another baby I need to be okay with that. That is so hard for me to say right now, because I still hang on to this hope that there will be another baby, but I also have to face the reality that it may not happen. And I'm going to have to be okay with that. I can't let this ruin my life. And I cannot let it ruin my faith.
Another thing that I read in "Plan B" that really struck me is that during these tough times when we don't think God is around or that He doesn't care...it's not Him that bailed...it's me. He is always here, always present...it's me that's not drawing close to him. I think as Christians (or maybe not all Christians, I'll just speak for myself) we have the preconceived notion that God's got our back and that nothing bad is going to happen to us...which is so not true. Then when something does go wrong we think God has totally forgotten about us. But I know in my heart this is not true. I've worked through this so many times already, but every time I get knocked down I have to start all over again. Who is God? What do I believe? What do I know to be true? I even went back and reread some of my earlier posts click here to read and I still believe that. I'm just not sure why I have to start all over again every time things don't go my way.
So, I suppose the reality I'm faced with here is that I have a choice to make...keep going down the path I'm on, trying to make sense of life on my own...or surrender it all to Him, trusting that He knows what He's doing.
I want to trust God, I want to trust his plan for my life and trust his timing, but I'm finding that so incredibly hard right now. I really put a lot of hope into a new pregnancy...at times that was the only thing that got me through really tough days was the thought of having a new baby. I thought I would get pregnant right away and have a baby by Harper's first birthday/anniversary. Obviously, that's not going to be the case...and I get so much anxiety when I don't even know when or if we will even have another baby. It's so hard for me to let go of that control, even though I know I don't have any control to begin with.
I just finished reading a book by Pete Wilson called "Plan B." It really called out some major sin on my part. Lately my desire for a baby has become so consuming that I know it is taking God's place in my life. A baby has become an "idol" I have put before my relationship with Christ. But this is where I feel so stuck. I don't know how to make that desire go away and I don't know how to put my trust and hope back where it belongs.
I get so irritated when people tell me to "count my blessings" or to just be thankful for the two kids I have. And rightfully so, I am very blessed to have my kids, but they in no way take away the pain of losing Harper or the miscarriages. But I do know there is some truth to that...I have to get to a place in my life where I am content and if I never have another baby I need to be okay with that. That is so hard for me to say right now, because I still hang on to this hope that there will be another baby, but I also have to face the reality that it may not happen. And I'm going to have to be okay with that. I can't let this ruin my life. And I cannot let it ruin my faith.
Another thing that I read in "Plan B" that really struck me is that during these tough times when we don't think God is around or that He doesn't care...it's not Him that bailed...it's me. He is always here, always present...it's me that's not drawing close to him. I think as Christians (or maybe not all Christians, I'll just speak for myself) we have the preconceived notion that God's got our back and that nothing bad is going to happen to us...which is so not true. Then when something does go wrong we think God has totally forgotten about us. But I know in my heart this is not true. I've worked through this so many times already, but every time I get knocked down I have to start all over again. Who is God? What do I believe? What do I know to be true? I even went back and reread some of my earlier posts click here to read and I still believe that. I'm just not sure why I have to start all over again every time things don't go my way.
So, I suppose the reality I'm faced with here is that I have a choice to make...keep going down the path I'm on, trying to make sense of life on my own...or surrender it all to Him, trusting that He knows what He's doing.
Deut. 4:28-31: There, in a foreign land, you will worship idols made from wood and stone—gods that neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell. But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him. “In the distant future, when you are suffering all these things, you will finally return to the Lord your God and listen to what he tells you. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon you or destroy you or forget the solemn covenant he made with your ancestors.Baby girl, it's such a crazy world without you. I'm trying to do what God wants me to do...and sometimes I fail miserably. I wish everyday that you were still here and I didn't have to live with this pain. I hope that someday I will look back on this time in my life and see how God was using you to shape me into the woman he wants me to become. I miss you and love you so much.
Matt. 6:33-34: Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Try, try again
When the world says, "Give up," hope whispers, "Try...one more time."
"I know how you feel.
Different Child
A different child, people notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day you'll understand.
You'll understand there was once another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever:
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost
you will tell them with great compassion:
There's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day you'll understand.
You'll understand there was once another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever:
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost
you will tell them with great compassion:
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here because my parents tried again."
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My Faith
I've had another day to process my feelings and sort through my emotions. I know my post from yesterday may have seemed like I was blasting God, but that was not my intention. I was angry with God, and while I find that incredibly scary, it was the way I was feeling. Today some of that anger has subsided and I've had a better chance to examine my heart. I'm doing better than I thought I would be. I don't know if its just that I've become hardened to this type of loss...like this has already happened three times so...whatever. It stinks, but that's nothing new.
I got the final results from the blood work today and the pregnancy hormone is almost completely out of my system so that is good. Unlike my other miscarriages, this was the first time I was able to pass the baby naturally and it was so much better than having a D&C. The less invasive the better. Physically I feel really good.
I do not regret my decision to announce the pregnancy so early. Although it was hard to tell every one that I lost the baby, I know it would have been even harder to go through this with no support. I wanted this baby's life to be recognized and celebrated. Even though we only knew about this baby for 12 days I know he or she was loved and prayed for every one of those twelve days. That's a good feeling.
I would have to say that the hardest part about this miscarriage has been the blow it has been spiritually. More shocking than the fact of losing the baby was the fact that God allowed this to happen. I really thought He was going to wrap us in this protective bubble and give us a healthy baby. I thought that was what I "deserved" after what I have already been through. But God has never promised to give me what I deserve. Because what I really deserve is a life separated from Him because of my sin.
I know in my last post I eluded that God was the one causing this pain, but I know that is not the truth. I know we live in sinful world and that bad stuff happens to people all the time, regardless of how much they love God or how strong their faith is. But what I just can't wrap my head around is why He continues to ALLOW this to happen to me. He is the only one who has the power to change the outcome, but he chooses not to. And that is why I feel abandoned by him. Right now, in my mind, there doesn't seem to be much difference between CAUSE and ALLOW.
For those of you who may be concerned about my faith right now, please know that I am NOT giving up. I'm praying more than usual...even though those prayers may be angry prayers, I'm still praying. And nothing fazes God. He knows. And I believe right now he's meeting me right where I'm at. I'm making a conscious choice to hold on to my faith and what I know in my heart to be true...even if I can't feel it right now. I know my faith will be restored. I know in the end God's the one that's going to get all the glory. Right now I'm just hanging on by a thread, and believing that this will pass.
I got the final results from the blood work today and the pregnancy hormone is almost completely out of my system so that is good. Unlike my other miscarriages, this was the first time I was able to pass the baby naturally and it was so much better than having a D&C. The less invasive the better. Physically I feel really good.
I do not regret my decision to announce the pregnancy so early. Although it was hard to tell every one that I lost the baby, I know it would have been even harder to go through this with no support. I wanted this baby's life to be recognized and celebrated. Even though we only knew about this baby for 12 days I know he or she was loved and prayed for every one of those twelve days. That's a good feeling.
I would have to say that the hardest part about this miscarriage has been the blow it has been spiritually. More shocking than the fact of losing the baby was the fact that God allowed this to happen. I really thought He was going to wrap us in this protective bubble and give us a healthy baby. I thought that was what I "deserved" after what I have already been through. But God has never promised to give me what I deserve. Because what I really deserve is a life separated from Him because of my sin.
I know in my last post I eluded that God was the one causing this pain, but I know that is not the truth. I know we live in sinful world and that bad stuff happens to people all the time, regardless of how much they love God or how strong their faith is. But what I just can't wrap my head around is why He continues to ALLOW this to happen to me. He is the only one who has the power to change the outcome, but he chooses not to. And that is why I feel abandoned by him. Right now, in my mind, there doesn't seem to be much difference between CAUSE and ALLOW.
For those of you who may be concerned about my faith right now, please know that I am NOT giving up. I'm praying more than usual...even though those prayers may be angry prayers, I'm still praying. And nothing fazes God. He knows. And I believe right now he's meeting me right where I'm at. I'm making a conscious choice to hold on to my faith and what I know in my heart to be true...even if I can't feel it right now. I know my faith will be restored. I know in the end God's the one that's going to get all the glory. Right now I'm just hanging on by a thread, and believing that this will pass.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Just like that its over...
I'm dreading writing this post, partly because of the emotional state I'm in right now, and partly because of the bad news I have to share. I've been told numerous times that people appreciate my honesty and transparency in my blogging...and so I will write this from my heart regardless of the condition of my heart at this moment.
Late Monday afternoon I noticed some light spotting when I went to the bathroom. I tried to stay calm reminding myself that I spotted the whole first trimester with Emmerson and everything turned out fine. I tried to get through to the clinic with no luck. Finally about quarter to five I was finally able to reach a nurse but because of the weather all of the doctors were home already. She told me to call back in the morning or go to the ER if my symptoms got worse. And my symptoms did become much worse. I called into the ER and was advised to stay home due to the weather because this was not a "medical emergency." At this point in the pregnancy there is nothing that can be done to save the baby. Tuesday morning I was able to get an appointment set for 10:30 in the morning for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed nothing but an empty uterus. My doctor tried to be optimistic with us and said that we could be wrong about the dates and ordered some lab work to see where my pregnancy hormone levels were. I didn't hang on to that bit of optimism because in my heart I already knew we had lost the baby. Just a few minutes ago I got a phone call from the clinic to let me know that my levels were at a 9. At 6 and a half weeks they should be in the hundred thousands so it's safe to say that the pregnancy is done. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow to make sure the levels go down to zero to make sure there is no retaining tissue.
So just like that its over. I can't even begin to sort through the emotions I am experiencing right now. Mostly I am just angry. I guess I thought somehow God was going to protect us and give us a healthy baby this time. I feel like I've been through so much loss already...when is it going to be enough. When do I get my happy ending? I cannot understand why God would create me in such a way that the only thing I have ever been sure of is that I wanted to be a mother. I know that he has blessed me with two healthy beautiful children and that I am a mother...but this road has been so hard.
Losing my first two pregnancies shook me up pretty bad. I was never privileged enough to be blissfully unaware that something could go wrong in a pregnancy. Then I had two healthy babies back to back and thought that pain was a thing of the past. But now here I am again....its not even been six months since we buried Harper and I'm dealing with another loss. I cannot even begin to understand what God has planned for my life. Right now I have to make a conscious choice to believe that he has good things planned for my life but my heart doesn't believe it. I feel abandoned. Where is he in all of this?
When I announced this pregnancy not even two weeks ago so many comments filled my facebook page about how awesome and good God is. But now? How do you continue to give God the glory when life continues to take you down rocky paths? I'm just so hurt and confused right now. I don't want to turn my back on God but I know my faith has been battered and bruised and its going to take a long time to heal.
It feels as though when Harper died our whole world began to crumble in front of us. We have been struggling financially. At church they always make such a strong stand that if you are faithful to return your tithe that God will bless you, but we have not received any of those blessings. The income keeps getting smaller and the bills keep getting bigger. And now this miscarriage on top of still grieving Harper. Its more than I can bear. All of my hopes and dreams are being shattered in front of my very eyes.
I'm so afraid that there is something wrong with me and I will continue to suffer these losses. My doctor says because I have two healthy children there is no reason to think I can't have another, but how much pain can one person go through before they become a hollow shell of the person they once were? Three miscarriages and one stillbirth...five babies total...how much more can I really go through? I'm going to be 30 in a few months and feel that time is working against me a this point. I've always wanted four kids and that dream is getting farther and farther from my reach.
I don't have any positive note to end this post on. I'm hoping that I will be healed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope I can learn how to trust God once again and find comfort in Him once again. Any other relationship with someone that would continually cause me hurt and pain I would walk away from, but I know I can't walk away from God. I know that my eternal reward will erase all of this pain I feel right now. I know if I never get to have a big family here on Earth, I've got five precious babies waiting for me in Heaven...and I'm hanging on to that little glimpse of eternity until my faith can once again be restored.
Late Monday afternoon I noticed some light spotting when I went to the bathroom. I tried to stay calm reminding myself that I spotted the whole first trimester with Emmerson and everything turned out fine. I tried to get through to the clinic with no luck. Finally about quarter to five I was finally able to reach a nurse but because of the weather all of the doctors were home already. She told me to call back in the morning or go to the ER if my symptoms got worse. And my symptoms did become much worse. I called into the ER and was advised to stay home due to the weather because this was not a "medical emergency." At this point in the pregnancy there is nothing that can be done to save the baby. Tuesday morning I was able to get an appointment set for 10:30 in the morning for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed nothing but an empty uterus. My doctor tried to be optimistic with us and said that we could be wrong about the dates and ordered some lab work to see where my pregnancy hormone levels were. I didn't hang on to that bit of optimism because in my heart I already knew we had lost the baby. Just a few minutes ago I got a phone call from the clinic to let me know that my levels were at a 9. At 6 and a half weeks they should be in the hundred thousands so it's safe to say that the pregnancy is done. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow to make sure the levels go down to zero to make sure there is no retaining tissue.
So just like that its over. I can't even begin to sort through the emotions I am experiencing right now. Mostly I am just angry. I guess I thought somehow God was going to protect us and give us a healthy baby this time. I feel like I've been through so much loss already...when is it going to be enough. When do I get my happy ending? I cannot understand why God would create me in such a way that the only thing I have ever been sure of is that I wanted to be a mother. I know that he has blessed me with two healthy beautiful children and that I am a mother...but this road has been so hard.
Losing my first two pregnancies shook me up pretty bad. I was never privileged enough to be blissfully unaware that something could go wrong in a pregnancy. Then I had two healthy babies back to back and thought that pain was a thing of the past. But now here I am again....its not even been six months since we buried Harper and I'm dealing with another loss. I cannot even begin to understand what God has planned for my life. Right now I have to make a conscious choice to believe that he has good things planned for my life but my heart doesn't believe it. I feel abandoned. Where is he in all of this?
When I announced this pregnancy not even two weeks ago so many comments filled my facebook page about how awesome and good God is. But now? How do you continue to give God the glory when life continues to take you down rocky paths? I'm just so hurt and confused right now. I don't want to turn my back on God but I know my faith has been battered and bruised and its going to take a long time to heal.
It feels as though when Harper died our whole world began to crumble in front of us. We have been struggling financially. At church they always make such a strong stand that if you are faithful to return your tithe that God will bless you, but we have not received any of those blessings. The income keeps getting smaller and the bills keep getting bigger. And now this miscarriage on top of still grieving Harper. Its more than I can bear. All of my hopes and dreams are being shattered in front of my very eyes.
I'm so afraid that there is something wrong with me and I will continue to suffer these losses. My doctor says because I have two healthy children there is no reason to think I can't have another, but how much pain can one person go through before they become a hollow shell of the person they once were? Three miscarriages and one stillbirth...five babies total...how much more can I really go through? I'm going to be 30 in a few months and feel that time is working against me a this point. I've always wanted four kids and that dream is getting farther and farther from my reach.
I don't have any positive note to end this post on. I'm hoping that I will be healed physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope I can learn how to trust God once again and find comfort in Him once again. Any other relationship with someone that would continually cause me hurt and pain I would walk away from, but I know I can't walk away from God. I know that my eternal reward will erase all of this pain I feel right now. I know if I never get to have a big family here on Earth, I've got five precious babies waiting for me in Heaven...and I'm hanging on to that little glimpse of eternity until my faith can once again be restored.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Some thoughts on pregnancy after loss...
Here we are, a week into knowing about this pregnancy. So far it has been great. I haven't "freaked" out yet or wondered if we made a huge mistake. I'm just so excited. I have been so blessed with such wonderful support...people genuinely are happy for us and praying for a healthy baby. That means so much to me.
I know that for the most part people have been incredibly supportive, but there are still people out there that think we are crazy. Maybe they think its too soon, or maybe that we are setting ourselves up to be hurt again, or maybe we should have taken losing Harper as a sign that we weren't meant to have any more kids...or maybe that it isn't fair to Harper to be moving forward so quickly.
All I have to say to that is I love Harper with my whole heart. I still grieve her. Like I said in my last post, a new baby is not going to make things "all better" or take her place. But I don't know why that would mean that we don't deserve another chance at building our family. Are we just supposed to take the hand we have been given and not try again for better days? I personally don't think that is how God wants us to live. He has good plans for us and wants us to experience life in abundance...There is no reason to think that we can't or won't have another healthy baby.
I know that Harper is whole and perfect in Heaven. She is receiving all the love she could ever need in the presence of our Savior. I do not feel guilty for wanting another child. And I know she does not have the capabilities to feel unloved, or replaced. I believe she is so happy for us right now. She does not want us to live our lives in pain, or fear. And I refuse to live my life in fear. I don't know what the outcome of this pregnancy will be. I am praying for the best and taking it one day at a time. But I do believe that God has good things in store for us.
I think that women who go through the types of loss I have been through are some of the strongest, bravest women I know. They know pain and adversity and are still willing to put their whole hearts on the line to get what they really want...a healthy baby. There are two types of women in my support group...those who have gone on to have a healthy baby or babies and those who are desperately trying to reach that goal. No one has said, "Well my baby died so I'm just going to give up." No one. We all would give anything to have our babies back and to not have gone through the pain we have been through...but it doesn't stop us from trying to reach that goal. Last November Joel and I decided we were ready for another baby and we thought we were going to have that baby, but things didn't work out that way. But that longing and desire for a baby do not just go away. We still want a baby.
I am still so sad when I think about the little girl that would be five months old now. I think about how differently my life could be right now. But I also know that I cannot hang on to the past...what could have been. I will love Harper every day for the rest of my life. I will never forget her. But right now I am looking towards the future and its a wonderful place to be.
I know that for the most part people have been incredibly supportive, but there are still people out there that think we are crazy. Maybe they think its too soon, or maybe that we are setting ourselves up to be hurt again, or maybe we should have taken losing Harper as a sign that we weren't meant to have any more kids...or maybe that it isn't fair to Harper to be moving forward so quickly.
All I have to say to that is I love Harper with my whole heart. I still grieve her. Like I said in my last post, a new baby is not going to make things "all better" or take her place. But I don't know why that would mean that we don't deserve another chance at building our family. Are we just supposed to take the hand we have been given and not try again for better days? I personally don't think that is how God wants us to live. He has good plans for us and wants us to experience life in abundance...There is no reason to think that we can't or won't have another healthy baby.
I know that Harper is whole and perfect in Heaven. She is receiving all the love she could ever need in the presence of our Savior. I do not feel guilty for wanting another child. And I know she does not have the capabilities to feel unloved, or replaced. I believe she is so happy for us right now. She does not want us to live our lives in pain, or fear. And I refuse to live my life in fear. I don't know what the outcome of this pregnancy will be. I am praying for the best and taking it one day at a time. But I do believe that God has good things in store for us.
I think that women who go through the types of loss I have been through are some of the strongest, bravest women I know. They know pain and adversity and are still willing to put their whole hearts on the line to get what they really want...a healthy baby. There are two types of women in my support group...those who have gone on to have a healthy baby or babies and those who are desperately trying to reach that goal. No one has said, "Well my baby died so I'm just going to give up." No one. We all would give anything to have our babies back and to not have gone through the pain we have been through...but it doesn't stop us from trying to reach that goal. Last November Joel and I decided we were ready for another baby and we thought we were going to have that baby, but things didn't work out that way. But that longing and desire for a baby do not just go away. We still want a baby.
I am still so sad when I think about the little girl that would be five months old now. I think about how differently my life could be right now. But I also know that I cannot hang on to the past...what could have been. I will love Harper every day for the rest of my life. I will never forget her. But right now I am looking towards the future and its a wonderful place to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)