Beauty for ashes

Isaiah 61

Good News for the Oppressed

 ¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
      for the Lord has anointed me
      to bring good news to the poor.
   He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
      and to proclaim that captives will be released
      and prisoners will be freed.^[a]
 2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
      that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,^[b]
      and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
 ³ To all who mourn in Israel,^[c]
      he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
   a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
      festive praise instead of despair.
   In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
      that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Well, today its been two months since I last felt Harper move, since I last heard her heartbeat.  She wasn't "born" until the 10th, but I know the 9th is the day she died.  In some ways I can't believe its been two months, but in other ways it feels like an eternity.  Grieving is hard.  Its physically and emotionally exhausting.  I'm so tired of grieving, I just want it to be over.  But I know that's not going to happen for awhile.  I think I am just getting used to this new way of life called grieving.  I don't like it but it has become almost normal for me now.  I still can't walk past her room without an ache in my heart.  I still can't stop thinking about her all the time.  I miss her just as much as I did eight weeks ago.  It's been hard to find beauty in this world, but yesterday while Emmerson was at preschool, Alton and I walked to the cemetery.  Usually when I take both kids we don't stay long because they run all over the place and I'm too busy trying to keep them off other people's stones.  But yesterday with just Alton it was so calm and peaceful.  We sat down on the ground right next to her.  The grass has pretty much grown back, but you can still tell where they buried her.  Alton sat on my lap and ate animal crackers and looked at ladybugs.  For the first time I could see beauty.  The trees were so bright and colorful and the sun was so warm.  The sky was so clear and blue.  I have never thought anything about a cemetery was beautiful, but yesterday my eyes were once again opened to the beauty of God's creation, sitting right next to the scar in the earth where my precious baby's body lies.  I haven't felt that close to her since I last held her in my arms.  I still can't believe she's not here.  I can't believe how much my heart aches to hold her.  I miss her every day.  In a world I have become so convinced is nothing but pain and ugliness, I'm so thankful God gave me that moment of peace and beauty in a place I least expected.