SAD

Its been hard to think of something to write about lately.  Things are the same.  I have good days, I have bad days.  I have good and bad moments in every day.  This weekend was hard.  I took a trip back to August 10th and its like I'm there all over again.  Sometimes I block that day and the events of that day from my memory, maybe its a coping mechanism.  But when my mind lets me go back there again it just reminds me how fresh and deep my wound still is.  I've been working on a new scrapbooking project and I find myself spending most of the time just staring at her pictures.  She was so beautiful and perfect, down to her cute little nose and teeny finger and toes.  I wish I could somehow lift her out of those pictures and hold her in my arms again.  Sometimes my arms physically ache to hold her.  Its hard to picture what she would be like now, almost 12 weeks old.  She would probably be cooing and smiling...maybe sleeping all night!?!  She'd probably be content to sit in her bouncy chair and be entertained by her busy big brother and sister.  As much as I sit and wonder what she would be doing and who she would become, I know that I will never know until Heaven.  And then I wonder if she knows what it would be like to be here.  Does she know how much I love her, does she know what it would be like to be a part of our family.  I hope so.  I did a little journaling in my scrapbook and on one page I wrote, "Lord, I waited to hold Harper on my lap and tell her about you, but since I never got the chance, will you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?" I miss you so much baby girl...I long for the day I will finally meet you.  I praise God that you are perfect and happy and whole.  I don't know if this pain will ever go away, you have changed me forever.  I am a better person because I had the privilege of being your mother and I love you with all of my heart.