Grieving Sucks

There's really no better way to say it...grieving sucks.  I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to deal with the pain.  I want to feel normal again, but I know I will never be normal again.  A little piece of me died right along with Harper and I will never get that back.  She will always be missing.  She should have been here tonight for Alton's birthday party, but she wasn't.  And I survived.  I threw together a decent party for my little boy, even though a piece of me was missing.  Even more than the pain and the hurt, its the guilt I don't want to deal with.  It makes me feel terrible that I couldn't just be 100% happy for the party, its not fair to Alton.  My grief is robbing my kids of the mommy they once had, and I honestly don't think I'll ever be the that mommy again.  I know that I won't be grieving forever, and that joy will return to my life, some days I even feel it already.  But losing Harper has impacted me so deeply I know I will never be the same.  And as much as I want to be the same for my kids, I can't do anything to change it.  I love my kids with all of my heart, I would die for my kids.  And there are moments that feel normal.  We sat in the toy room tonight and played with Alton's new toys and it was one of those moments of joy, but she is still in the back of my mind.  I just have to believe that moments like that will come more and more often, but I don't know if there will ever be a day that she is not on my mind.