What's waiting in the mail box?

Grief brings on an array of emotions.  My latest emotion has been disappointment.  I got Harper's "Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth" certificate in the mail yesterday.  I was so disappointed to see that it is nothing more than a pretty piece of computer paper with her name, our names, her date and place of stillbirth and the state of WI Dept. of Human and Family Services stamp on it.  There is nothing official looking about it.  I could have made it myself (and done a nicer job).  It just makes me feel like society doesn't look at her like she's a real person.  And because of this whole certificate thing we weren't able to collect any life insurance money to cover funeral expenses.  She would have had to have a Certificate of Live Birth, but because she died before she was born she doesn't get one of those certificates, therefore the insurance company does not recognize her as ever being a living person, so therefore she is not deserving of a funeral or a burial.  I just don't get it!  It makes me so sad.  How are we supposed to feel like our loss is significant, when society so clearly minimizes it?

Then today I got a notice from the monument place saying that they had poured the foundation for Harper's headstone.  So immediately I load the kids up in the stroller and we head to the cemetery...only to find no cement slab.  I called the monument place and they were baffled.   The setter guy swears he poured the concrete for her foundation and drilled the holes for her shepherd's hook, but I'm standing there looking at nothing!  Apparently someone else got her foundation.  How crazy.  Sometimes dealing with the fact that my baby's body is buried in a public cemetery across town is hard enough to deal with and then these unexpected dilemmas occur and it just disappoints me further.

Hitting the two month mark has been sort of a milestone.  It has been the harsh reality that everyone's life is moving forward, even my own life is moving forward.  It sometimes feels like people have forgotten me.  The calls have almost stopped, same as the cards.  If your reading this please don't take this as me guilting you into calling or sending a card.  That's not the point...its just the reality of the circumstances.  There was going to be a day that this happened...its just the inevitable.  And initially I was disappointed with "people."  How could people move on when I was stuck.  But God has helped me to see that its not anyone's job to be my support or comfort or strength, except him.  People are going to disappoint me...we are human.  But He is faithful...he will not disappoint me.  I believe God uses people to boost my spirits and walk beside me in this journey.  I have been blessed with so many people that have been an encouragement to me and He has proved himself faithful.  Just as I am feeling like I'm all alone and no one cares I open the mailbox to a nice note from someone at church, just letting me know she is still praying for us daily.  And I know that people are still thinking about us and lifting us up in prayer, but I have learned that my strength and comfort can only come from God.