"I want to make much of you Jesus"

GriefShare has been instrumental in my grieving.  If anyone has ever lost someone they love I really recommend going to GriefShare.  It is not just a support group, it provides Biblical application to help you through your process of grieving.  Last night we talked about the "WHYS."  Why did this happen do me?  I struggled with this a lot after my first miscarriage.  I remember just searching for answers.  I thought because I had disobeyed God, and gotten pregnant before I was married, that he was punishing me.  I think I believed this for a long time.  I think my mind knew this wasn't true...I knew plenty of people that weren't married and had perfectly healthy pregnancies.  But in my heart I really felt that I was being punished.  There were many people that tried to be encouraging by telling me that now I could do so much more with my life, and I hated to hear that.  That doesn't make a grieving mother feel better, but it just confirmed to me that losing that baby was my punishment.  And instead of turning towards God, I fell further and further away.

I realize now that my faith was weak, and I didn't really know who God was.  Dealing with the loss of Harper has certainly not been easier because of my faith, but I have been able to receive God's comfort more than I could with my miscarriages.  I have asked questions.  I don't understand why God chose not to save her, but I haven't really experienced the "why me?" questions and I believe that is because I have a better understand of God's character.

GriefShare confirmed my beliefs last night.  I do not believe that God caused Harper die.  I do not believe that God is trying to teach me a lesson.  I do not believe that this was God's will or God's plan.  God's original plan was for us to live in a perfect world in perfect fellowship with him.  But because man disobeyed sin entered our world.  We live in a fallen world and we are all subject to pain and suffering.  No one will ever escape this life without dealing with some sort of heartache.  But that was not God's intention for us. 

To have faith is to believe that the Bible is true and the promises about God written in the Bible are real.  If we serve a loving God, how could I ever believe that he wanted my baby to die or he wanted me to hurt?  That just doesn't line up with who I believe God is.  I do believe that God is in absolute control and that nothing happens to us that isn't "Father-filtered."  He allowed Harper to die, but I believe God is compassionate and it hurts him to see one of his children in pain.

I also do not believe that "everything happens for a reason" except that everything that happens to us can be used for a reason...and that is to draw closer to God and bring honor to his name.  God may have allowed Harper to die, but I don't think he did it for a specific reason.  God allows us to go through hard times so we can grow in our faith.  If things always felt safe and comfortable, there would be no reason to really lean on God and trust him. 

I will never understand the whole reason that this happened to me and my family until Heaven.  And that's okay.  I don't have to have all of the answers, I just have to fall into the arms of the One who does.