When someone you love dies, you not only lose their physical being; you lose your hopes and dreams for the future. Halloween is not my favorite celebration by any means, but I know the kids enjoy carving pumpkins, dressing up and, of course, getting candy. Halloween sort of marks the beginning of the holiday season...and this year I am a little nervous about how we will get through it all.
I had found an adorable daisy costume at a garage sale this summer for $1 so of course I picked it up, but that is now just another 'could-have-been' in a plastic tote in the nursery closet. Right along with the outfit she was supposed to wear for her fall pictures, and the piles of pink onesies and sleepers. Maybe now a days we are "too" prepared for our babies. In my grandparents' days they didn't even set up a crib or anything until they knew the baby was coming home. I used to think this was an extremely morbid way to go about things, but I suppose my opinion on that has changed now.
We were so prepared for Harper. We knew she was going to be a girl, the nursery was painted and the bedding on the crib. I even had a plaque with her name on it hanging on the wall. The diapers were opened and neatly placed in a basket on the changing table. Her diaper bag was packed with her 'coming-home' outfit and sitting by the door. The bottles were sterilized and placed in the cupboard, even the car seat was securely buckled in the van. We were ready to bring a baby home. We were not ready to not bring a baby home. And that was one of the hardest parts...coming home empty handed to a house that was ready to welcome a precious baby girl.
Some people can't touch the stuff, they just shut the door to the nursery and don't look back. And our nursery door was shut for a couple weeks, but it drove me nuts just knowing what was behind that door. And so I packed everything up, less than a month after she was born. It was hard, I had to pack up every hope and dream I had for my little girl. No first pictures, no first Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas.
With the holidays fast approaching it also brings back last year and how I thought things were going to be this year. Last November we decided we were ready to have another baby and the first week of December we found out I was pregnant. We decided that since it was so close to Christmas we would wait to tell our families until our Christmas get-togethers. I had the kids hand paint ornaments with their pictures on them and then I did a third ornament that said 'Baby #3 is on its way-8.9.10.' We wrapped up the ornaments and gave them to our parents. Everyone was very surprised and it was such an exciting, happy Christmas. This year I am doing memorial ornaments. And it will be a very bitter sweet season. Remembering the past year when Harper's tiny life came into existence and the months that followed as she was alive and growing in my womb. Enjoying our children and our families and the birth of our Savior is such an incredible celebration, but my heart will be a little heavier this year.
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